Sometimes it's hard trying to decipher the right thing, God. I mean, it would truly be easy if everything were actually black and white, but I'm seeing a lot of grayscale, lately. I'm questioning my motives, my thoughts can't be contained, and I am finding myself so very disappointed in society lately.
I know I have taken on a lot lately. I have this urgent need to take care of things for the people I care about and make them happy before myself. It makes me happy to know that I helped. Case in point. Last night, Soon-to-be-Bride said to Bridesmaid (me) "Thank God for you, you have been amazing!" God, you know, and I know, that making those favors and wedding programs might have taken some time and resources to figure out the formatting for the label and card paper sizes, but I so wanted them to be PERFECT, and the when the card stock smudged on a lot of the prints I was devastated. And she loved them anyways, but I noticed it was sub-par.
And the Making Strides walk this weekend? I got us our pants so that as we walked together, we could do so uniformly, heads held high, and to show (Best Friend) that we support her in this difficult time, and we want to honor her mother's memory and brave struggle by standing at her side.
These things make me happy. Knowing that the little things I am doing to help make someone else's day even just a tiny bit better, makes me happy.
So why do I feel so empty, right now? Why today do I wake up feeling alone, and tired. Why do I feel like after ending yesterday on such a high note, that I have to turn around and be forced to spend my time in a place where I am overworked, unappreciated, and overlooked. And why am I letting it effect my normal punctuality? In my fifteen years in the work force, I have never allowed myself to be late, even if I were dreading the events of the day. And now, in two months, I have ruined my record of punctuality, in excess. Not enough to warrant reprimand (YET), but enough that I am very angry with myself for letting it happen. And the fact that I feel like I am being persecuted for vocalizing issues that need attention, bothers me also. I vocalized these things because I cared, not because I like to hear myself complain. But it broke, God. I just want my "care" back.
And I am still relationship retarded, God. If we could find a way to fix that? I am tired of hearing "patience, God has something great in store for you! Someone as high caliber and caring"... ugh.
Anyways, if you could please consider making it nice out for our charity walk on Sunday, I would appreciate it. Also, please help me to appreciate some of the important things that I feel I neglected in retrospect. And please know that I might struggle, but I am working really hard to be someone you can be proud of.
Love,
a
just found this blog. going to read them all, but i can answer your question above. your focus is wrong (as mine was for years...). focus on Him. no you, not your friends, not your significant other. Him and Him alone and EVERYTHING else falls into place.
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